Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't deserve a penis
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
