I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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