nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
