I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
