So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
