You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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