What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
