i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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