***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
