I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
