How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
