I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
