My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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