So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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