Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
