my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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