I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
