Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize