Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
