Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
