dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
