While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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