I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
