Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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