hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
