I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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