i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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