Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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