My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The ass gains better be worth it
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