So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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