Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
