Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
