OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
