He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
