dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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