I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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