clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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