id be glad to
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
