Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
