I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
