70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
