he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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