can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
