Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
