I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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