I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
