I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
