I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
