Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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