He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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