I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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