I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
