I hate your face
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
