there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
