I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
