Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize