I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I cockslap morals
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize