Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I want to fling myself into the sun
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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