When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
