I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize